


Fruit Salad, NO!

by lalunaticscribe



Series: The 'Evil' Overlord Q'tie-Pie (All the fault of 007) [2]
Category: Despicable Me (Movies), James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Fluff and Crack, Involves bladed weapons and jovial violence, Minions love apples and bananas, Minions ship 00Q too, The Minions are 00Q shippers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, and are capable of hyperspace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:47:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1283254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalunaticscribe/pseuds/lalunaticscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What did you just bring?!”</p><p>Agent James Bond, newly revived and reinstated into active service, paused in the act of approaching the Evil Overlord Q. “Yes?”</p><p>“What,” Q pointed one long finger at the large bowl, “is that?”</p><p>“Fruit salad,” James echoed as a horde of yellow lumps began to swarm around them. “You know. Cherries, tomatoes, and ba-”</p><p>“Don’t say it!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fruit Salad, NO!

“What did you just bring?!”

Agent James Bond, newly revived and reinstated into active service, paused in the act of approaching the Evil Overlord Q. “Yes?”

“What,” Q pointed one long finger at the large bowl, “is that?”

“Fruit salad,” James echoed as a horde of yellow lumps began to swarm around them. “You know. Cherries, tomatoes, and ba-”

“Don’t say it!” Q screamed. “Don’t say it. Throw it out of the window. Very slowly. Now.”

Very slowly, both men looked down towards a horde of Minions, led by the minions everyone called R.

“ _Pulaka_?” R was screaming.

“ _Banana_?” one minion brightly pleaded.

“Do not answer, Double-O Seven,” Q warned, begged, pleaded in a fashion that should have been accompanied with kneeling.

James grinned. “See this, minions?”

“ _Banana_?” Dave begged. “ _Muka banana?_ ”

“Wait, minions!” Q shouted before the secret agent, finally realising that there were an awful lot more minions and only one of him, began to leg it as all of them produced artillery weapons.

“ _Pegue-o agora!_ ” one enterprisingly murderous minion yelled. “ _Para bananas!_ ”

One obviously timed explosion greeted him somewhere around the first right turn, more than one surveillance camera was a dud explosive armed, and minions apparently had weaponry all around their persons. It was when the fruit salad was finally lost somewhere in the flooded hallways of minions that the intercom finally came online.

“Minions!” Q’s voice called. “Assemble!”

“ _Ok, ok!”_ most immediately rushed, albeit with baby steps. “ _Makaluku, big-Boss!_ ”

R dragged James by his tie towards the throne room. Minions were already cheering, some of them with glass shards and the remnants of conquest. Clearly, some minions had found the salad.

“Hey, lay off the salad!” Q was walking up, occasionally hi-fiving a minion. “Stuart, Kevin, stop arguing. Settle down, minions. R, let go of James.”

The tie was let go of.

“Now, we’re currently facing a banana shortage,” Q started, hands clasped behind his back in the face of the mass ‘Awww...!’ “With some... assistance, we are going to resolve this problem. Evilly.”

The minions began cackling, and cackling in no way should be cute, even with a Q’utie-pie and his hobgoblin corn-kernel minions.

“We,” Q pronounced, “are going, to steal...”

At this, bladed, edged and artillery weapons were pulled out of subspaces that should not even be possible.

“Wait, I haven’t told you yet!”

A stray rocket flew loose, leaving secret agent and evil overlord to watch its airborne loops in bleak fascination before minions exploded on impact.

“Listen up, please!”

* * *

“A banana heist?!”

“Yes, sir,” came the reply via telephone. “Apparently Q is looking into real estate in the Atlantic Ocean as well, so I recommend we notify the Anti-Villain League quickly. It’d be such a shame.”

“He’s a supervillain! There’s an army of minions and everything-”

“Double-O-Seven?” A murmured, a susurration of sound poured from the receiver. “Is that M?”

“Yes, Q,” and James Bond actually sounded fond. “He’s going to send over a shipment of apples.”

There it was. The second dreaded word. The dreaded noun of the a-word, next to the b-word, that no one should mention in earshot of a minion-

“ _Papple?_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Plot borrowed from the Despicable Me mini-movie, 'Banana'. Also a word of caution to feeding fruit to your minions. Maybe some of them could be real Limeys.
> 
> Critique, s’il vous plaît!


End file.
